JB & Me

Mommy and her African babes :)

Now, those are some handsome boys!

Have you ever just been so overwhelmed with the fullness of your life?? I don't mean "fullness" as in stuffed to the gills with appointments, places to be, kids to clean up after, schedules to keep, etc... though certainly I DO get overwhelmed with those things. Way more often than I should or want to admit. No. I'm talking about a fullness that bursts forth with life, love and gratitude. There almost aren't words for it. All I know, is that when it happens-- that knowing of "fullness"-- there is an overwhelming sense that this life I am living is SOOOO much larger than me and yet, I have been chosen for "such a time as this" and for such a purpose as well. I have been given the husband, children, lifestyle, opportunities, responsibilities-- ALL of it-- for an eternal reason. Beyond me. Beyond human explanation and into a much greater, more expansive purpose. And it is good.

I love those moments. It is as if the veil is lifted and I can see clearly. I can see the point of it all... those every day struggles don't seem so tedious and mundane. Every task is God-given and God-ordained. My children's flaws are overshadowed by the beauty of who God has created them to be and gifted them to grow into. My husband is truly my knight in shining armor and my own struggles, weaknesses, fears and/or future plans pale in comparison to the Almighty Love of the Almighty Purifier of my mind, body, spirit and soul.

Ahhh.... and then the curtain closes. I don't know why, but somehow, the cares of the world and any unchecked sins try to creep in and steal my joy. I'm not really sure why I even bother to tell you all this, other than it is this feeling of "fullness" that is the only way I can describe the life of adoption. Overwhelming. Bigger than me or anything I could fathom. Thankfulness. Yes. Overwhelming gratitude. Even in the midst of the struggles and tensions and wondering. I hope when you've read my posts over the past few months you have walked away with more than just the "hard things". I hope you have seen the calling of God and His Grace to accomplish that which He has begun and the continuing walk of faith and that this walk is not always pretty. But it's not all ugly and pot-hole filled either. I think...no, I KNOW our eyes have been opened to a whole new understanding of God's love through adoption. On so many levels. His deep abiding love for His children to know Him deeply and fully. His compassionate love for the poor, the widowed, the orphaned of the world. His gracious and un-ending love for ALL mankind to come to Him and be adopted into His family and become heirs to the throne of Grace! And what we are to do with all this "knowing" and new "eye-sight"-- oh my. That is for a whole different post!

I can't even tell you all the ways that adoption has changed our family for all eternity for God's Glory... but I am seeing some of it. Maybe only during those times the veil is lifted, but it is there and God is faithful. Even in the seemingly "bad" moments and days. You know... it has been very frustrating for me. And I wish I could say that I have been able to handle the "hardness" with great maturity and compassion. Not so much. But... here is the amazing thing. God is binding our hearts despite of my mess-ups and is faithful to continue teaching ME how to love and live in His fullness.

And here is another amazing miraculous thing. Despite the childish pettiness (and not always from the children, mind you!), misunderstandings, mis-translations, etc... JB is coming alive-- fully ALIVE!!! When he first came home, he clung to Tony inappropriately and tolerated me. He didn't know how to hug, didn't know how to handle affection and couldn't make eye contact to save his life. He cried at the drop of the hat and seemed only to know how to hit, bite, pinch or cry his way through communication. I struggled so desperately to be compassionate and then cried almost nightly at my own guilt over the lack of compassion, the fear of never "feeling" love, grieving for our family to never look the same again, wallowing in the agony of being the "2nd mom"-- agonizing for him, his biological mother and myself. I wish I could tell you I grieved FOR him. I DID grieve for his loss before he came home. When we got our referral back in February and learned of his story. I grieved then. And, since he has been home, I have been able to enter into his grief with him and hold him with a sense of God-given understanding. But not at first. Not for many weeks.

JB & Me in Ethiopia

But, now I see a new thing happening. The old is going and God's newness is slowly coming. In spurts and fits at first. But now it is flowing stronger and stronger every day. Is there still chaos? YES. Do I "feel" like we are a family yet? Hmmm.... what is your definition and what are your qualifying factors? It doesn't "feel" like it ever did before they came home, but I don't think that will ever happen again! How silly of me to think it should. JB hugs me every day and his favorite thing is to give me "loooooonnnng time, kisses, Mom." :) and "Everybody hug, Mommy and JB". Tony is currently on his second out-of-town trip and JB did no more than hug his dad goodbye and off he went to continue playing-- just like the other boys. He still teases quite a bit, but it is good natured and he seems to be learning when enough is enough. He is quite the chatterbox and LOVES for me to see him do ANYTHING! Every goal he makes in soccer (which is a considerable amount) ends with a look my way to be sure I saw it. He inhales school time with me like he inhales chocolate ice cream-- his few favorite snack. And he always wants me to sit down and watch his new favorite movie with him-- currently Narnia. We've moved on from Spirit.

JB & Me tonight (3 months home)

Have I mentioned that God is good? :) He is. Enjoy the photos.

Grace and Peace,
Shari

This was how he immediately "posed" when I asked if he wanted a picture with Mommy

So hard to be JB

RiSa LOVES looking at books-- yeah, me!!!

That is a pretty serious face!

Photos, Photos and more photos!

The tree cutting party this morning on our front porch

Three of my five cutie pies!!

Poor JB. He had a REALLY hard day today. Everything started fine, but by late this afternoon, he was terrified of the dog again, and full of tears over having to share the tricycle with his sister. His whole world has been just tipped over and spilled out all over half the world-- in front of everyone and he has no way of knowing how to make sense of it all. The worst part is, there isn't a whole lot I can do to "fix" it. In fact, I am the one (or one of the ones) who has helped make it sooo messy for him!

He doesn't seem to pick up on things as quickly as RiSa does. I swear she is understanding MOST of what I say to her- certainly she understands the obvious things and even the more subtle ideas-- like sharing and manners. JB-- not so much. And to make matters harder, he is having to deal with his older brothers try to talk to him and then quickly get frustrated that he doesn't respond to what they are telling him and then focus more of their attention on cute baby sister-- which is still beyond my comprehension. Today, he resorted to teasing them and sorta "picking" on them in order to keep their attention. The same kind of things he would do with RiSa at the guest house-- take her toy away that she would be playing with, copycat what she was saying, taunt her with something he knew she wasn't supposed to have or touch, etc. It's not that the boys don't try-- they do, but not for long, and certainly as soon as he doesn't share the toy of the moment they are whining at him and all fussy with him until they just decide to leave and go do something else. Now, every day hasn't been like this, but yesterday and today have been more and more.

Here is another issue. I know that in Ethiopia it is very culturally acceptable to feed one another and share off of one another's plates. I think that is very neat and I certainly don't have an issue with it-- except when I am trying to get my new kids to try and eat what is on THEIR plate and not go scavenging for everyone elses mashed potatoes after theirs is all gone. If I would let them, they would eat meat and starch forever and ever until they gorge themselves to death. Not cool. Especially RiSa. So... when she is done eating what she wants (the bread, pasta, potatoes) and asks for more I don't give it to her. I tell her to eat what is on her plate, then more. She gets it. Believe me. She pouts, and sniffs about and then looks at brother Biruk, who is all too willing to share what he has-- esp. if he doesn't really want it-- case in point with mashed potatoes tonight. Well, I wouldn't have it and this confused him. And tonight isn't the first time I've done it to him. It happens at one meal a day, at least- and once, I even caught him sneaking food to her. Bless his heart. That made me mad. I KNOW he is just doing what he has probably always done-- with her or any other kid sitting next to him. On one hand it is hard to stay firm when I know it is so confusing to him and frustrating, too. On the other hand, I can't let RiSa gorge herself on starch and carbs!!! And he needs to learn to try to eat a variety of foods, too! It's a hard one, and all I know to do is stay consistent and hope he doesn't resent me for it the rest of his life. :)

And you know the whole "breakthrough" with the dog? Well, forget it. I don't know WHAT happened (it was on Tony's watch!), but I guess Penny got frisky with JB and he pushed her away, which she took as a game and then went for the nipping of the leg. Yeah. Bad move, Pen-Pal. Tony said he tried to soothe his fears by "making him play fetch with Penny". Right... didn't work.

See what bright parents we are???? Ughhhh.

I know that most of what is happening in JB's little brain and heart right now is grieving. He is grieving his homeland, his caregivers, his friends, his language, his food, his culture, his people. This is my prayer-- that we would recognize his grief, enter into it with him and be able to love him through it. Not with our own love, but with the love of the Father who is able to give all comfort in all situations at all times.

Grace and Peace,
Shari

PS... Hopefully I can remember tomorrow to post about our shopping adventure to the mall-- RiSa darted on me while in Stride Rite buying her and JB new tennis shoes... can you believe it?? I almost lost one of my new kids before I've even had her for a week! Ugh.