The Words Bleeding Me—Compassion

            There never has been an emotion so disturbing to me as a mother, as feeling no compassion toward my own children.   Before adopting our two Ethiopian children I had read of families who struggled to attach and much ado is made of attaching and bonding in adopted children.   I have even had a friend or two who struggled with attaching to their biological children for several months after giving birth.  But the substance of non-attachment was one I could not grasp.  I had no frame of reference.  No emotions to give it shape.  Like being told to make a paper-mache doll with only a form and no physical materials, nor instructions for applying these missing materials and actually create something— this is what I held in regards to attachment; an idea I saw straight through with no meaning.

Once home, it didn’t take long for all that substance to surface.  And surface it did—like a wounded soldier pouring his blood over the battlefield, frantically ripping clothes to stop the bleeding.  The materials of non-attachment were overwhelming me—anger, resentment, regret, loss, physical discomfort and lack of compassion.  No compassion.   Still, my chest is tightens as I write it.   Horrified that I could experience such ugly sentiments towards children, let alone children I had chosen to mother. 

His crying didn’t move me.  Her protruding belly from malnutrition only frustrated me.  Their mood swings and ugliness towards my three biological boys angered me.   The clinging to my husband, the laughing in my face taunting, “No love Mommy.  Only love Daddy!”  Running to any other parent for attention, affection and acceptance.   The outlandish tales of a rosy existence in Ethiopia.  The refusal to eat—or the hoarding at every meal.   Touching them, holding them and comforting them made me desperately uncomfortable.  I could have been hugging one of my mother-in-law’s cactus plants with more ease.

            No compassion. 

            Oh, what a horrible mirror it is which reveals a shallow love! 

 Of course, that is not true.  Such a mirror is the best kind, but at the moment of revealing, it may as well be shattered glass broken over one’s head.   All those years of loving my children, I took for granted.  I assumed I knew what love was.  I assumed I had a heart of sacrifice.    I remember looking into each one of my son’s eyes the day in which they were born, knowing that if I had to die in that moment so they might live…. I would plunge the knife myself.

The first time I looked into the eyes of my Ethiopian children…they were empty.  Empty, pathetic eyes which looked right through me.  But by the power of God Almighty, the many witnesses and my signature on the dotted line…I could have driven away and never come back. 

No compassion. 

For a time, I held it in, terrified to confess my horrible secret.  Finally when I did reveal my ugly truth, not many knew what to do with it.  “I think you show great compassion by not letting them continue to live in their woundedness,” one friend encouraged, after an exhausting day of feeling like all I did was discipline them.  Others just listened—sometimes crying with me, sometimes admitting this is why they would never adopt themselves. 

Maybe it was the last statement which sparked just enough indignant emotion to dare believe compassion would come.  Who am I to deny these two a full, loving home, opportunity to truly live and experience all God has for them, all because of my insecurities?  Is God not big enough to change me?  Did He not know me and all my below-the-surface shallowness before we ever walked through adoption’s door?  Wasn’t He the one who gave me a compassion for the widow and the orphan in the first place—a compassion which bled enough to act? Though it was still struggling for position with fear and guilt, compassion began pulling forward.  I started praying for compassion to take hold.

Somehow I believed that I would wake up one day and just “feel” deep, overwhelming compassion and once I did, it would stay.  I would always “feel” like their mom, and there would be no more of this shallow love nonsense.   Apparently the mirror still shatters easily over my head.  Compassion is in constant competition with residual guilt and fear.    But it knows its proper ground and the battle is well fought.

I recently read a passage from Psalms 103:

Praise the LORD, my soul;

   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, my soul,

   and forget not all his benefits—

3 who forgives all your sins

   and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit

   and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things

   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I have not traveled the roads of post-adoption very well.  But after 19 months, I am encouraged.  I see that I am “crowned with love and compassion”.  I didn’t crown me, God Almighty did.  He forgives my insecurities, He heals my shallowness of heart.  He redeems my life and I wear a most glittering crown of precious jewels.  I am satisfied with His goodness and thankful for the bleeding time, which has brought forth compassion-- whether I feel it always resting on my head or not.

….Now, if only the frown line on my forehead would be erased as my youthful energy is being renewed like the eagle’s.  Oh well, that’s what bangs are for, right?

5 Months ago Today...

5 Monthes ago on this very day, Tony and I drove out of a gated Transition Home with two new children to add to Team Dragovich. In the adoption world, we call this "Gotcha Day". It is the day that you pick up your children and they become forever a part of your family. Your "forever family"-- another adoption phrase. To try and go back and thread out the emotions which were flashing in and out of my entire being is about impossible. Some days I look back and it seems like that was forever ago. Some days, it was only last week.

Now, here we are, 5 months later. Could I ever have imagined the impact this adoption and these children and our new "forever family" dynamic would make into the very center of my soul? Absolutely not. I'm still imagining it and being opened up to it and walking through each new fold that opens. There are some days in which I still feel like I am swimming in a fog-- less and less this is the case, but still sometimes. The funny thing is, I remember thinking that way BEFORE adoption! Now, I think-- Gee, Shari-- you sure did have it easy "back then"!!!

In five months I have experienced some amazing transformations in my children. Sam and JB are fast becoming inseparable. And Risa is usually in there somewhere. Wyatt and Isaac are working hard to be helpful, positive and interact with the kids in playful ways. The majority of their time together-- which is considerable since we homeschool!-- all 5 of them are playing contentedly and enjoying one another. One of my favorite things is to hear one of the big boys explain to a new friend or some confused child; "YES. We are ALL brothers and sister. We ALL belong to the same family. This is my brother and this is my brother and THIS is my brother and THIS is my sister!" There are soooo many other things they could say, "Yeah, this is my adopted brother," or "He is my brother, but he is adopted...", etc... but they don't. It never even comes close to being uttered from their mouths. They claim JB and Risa with certainty and conviction. You may think I am weird for thinking such things, or offering my praise to my bio kids for saying something that I would hope to goodness that they would say anyway... but I take nothing for granted. Of course, Tony and I have always taught them that GOD alone puts a family together and He has put OUR family together-- through birth and adoption and both are of equal, eternal value. No difference, in that regard. But THEY have to accept this truth within their own hearts. I cannot force them to believe it. So... to have them be so positive and proud to others about their new brother and sister... like I said, it is one of my favorite things.

The transformation within JB and Risa continues to work itself out. Now that they have been home 5 months, we can sort of see what behaviors are still lingering and what deeper issues such behaviors may be pointing to-- beyond just the trauma of moving them from their homeland and into our family. JB in particular, exhibits behaviors which directly point to a lack of emotional health. He is attaching more slowly-- though he desperately works for our attention and affection-- it is spastic (for lack of a better word), controlling and tense. I have been re-reading some of my adoption literature on attachment, especially in regards to emotional development-- phases of, milestones of each phase, reviewing checklists for emotional health of children at the end of each phase, etc. JB has some gaps. Though there are many emotionally healthy things that JB DOES do-- and even has begun to do since he has been home-- there are a few key things that he does NOT do which, I believe, if we do not address them directly, will cause his emotional "heart" to mature in a warped, unhealthy way.

What is challenging about the things that we are directly tackling is that they are things that any child raised in a safe, secure, loving environment from early on would naturally develop. For most of us, we don't even think about having to "teach" our children how to accept affection, allow us to comfort them or relax in our arms. We take for granted that when they are hurt they will tell us what is wrong and cuddle into our comforting arms. When our children are older, we USUALLY don't have to worry about them throwing a temper tantrum of a 2-3 year old EVERY time they are mad (which happens A LOT in a day)-- or become reduced to a fit of crying when one of their siblings does something they don't like, ESPECIALLY if what the sibling did was meant as a gesture of love-- like patting the child's back, or trying to put their arm around him like a buddy does.

This is where we are at. I have always known-- like that crazy mommy instinct-- that JB's "heart" seemed to have some holes in it-- holes that went beyond the normal trauma and attachment issues all families walk through with their kids who are adopted-- especially those who adopt older kids. I think it is a super great place to be, because it is a place of deeper understanding, concrete and direct interventions/strategies... but best of all, it is a place of being in total and utter dependence of My God who does NOT withhold any good thing from His children! I know that I am so out of my realm of human wisdom, savvy or strength. It is only by the daily, moment by moment grace (action) of God in and through Tony and myself that JB's heart will heal. God's gotta do it-- but we have been chosen to be His hands and feet.

The final piece of all this is my own health and well-being. For 5 months, I have been in a whirlwind of emotions, added workload, added needs, adjusting to 5 children who are in a constant clamor for my love, attention, help, etc... This has left me, well... Exhausted. Beyond the normal "I have 5 kids" exhausted. Strangely, this was a light bulb moment for me-- I know, I'm quick, aren't I? :) All the sudden it dawned on me that for as many strides as JB has and continues to make, and as much as I am working with him on specific emotional issues-- he leaves me sooooooo weary. I mean-- that boy WEARS ME OUT!!! If you have someone you love in your life who is depressed or emotionally unstable and they just seem to suck life OUT of you, then you know exactly what I am talking about. (Note: if you are thinking, "Well, YEAH, Shari! Just reading your BLOGS sucks the life out of me!!"-- kindly keep it to yourself!). Strangely, this "lightbulb" moment was somewhat of a final confirmation that we are dealing with some issues of woundedness in our youngest son. So, part of our strategies for helping Joshua Biruk also need to include strategies for allowing me to experience some way of finding respite and an outside interest to invest more creative energy towards-- even if it is just getting to pursue new running goals, study more about gardening... or... maybe... learn a new language --just kidding!

5 Months ago Tony and I drove out of a gated Transition Home with two new children we didn't know at all but we called them son and daughter. Today... I am still getting to know them; but one thing I DO know in the depths of my soul-- Joshua Biruk and Rebekah Selame Dragovich ARE my-- God given, God designed and God planned from before the beginning of time-- son and daughter.

Grace and Peace,
Shari

God Made Smiling Eyes

Life is moving forward at a break-neck pace. I wish I could say I am handling it well and flying right along—enjoying the wind in my hair and the excitement of the forever new adventure. But alas, I hate getting tangles and I’m tired of lacing up my Indiana Jones boots. September began with a week long trip to IL to celebrate my mom’s retirement. It was a very fun trip—full of family, catching up with loved ones, time on the farm and bonding for the newest Team Dragovich additions. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it was pretty stressful, too. How would JB and RiSa react to my family? How would my family react to them? How would I react to all these reactions??? Of course, everyone showered them with love and even if they were cringing on the inside from the sheer amount of chaos my children now bring to every situation, they patiently endured the screeching, grumbling, crying laughing & general constant commotion with smiles, hugs and funny comments. Truthfully, I was mostly worried that the new kids would become clingy with my parents and begin to shun Tony and me for meeting their needs. I was also worried that the old kids would feel slighted or become jealous at the extra attention being focused on the new kids. I have read too many books and this is not a good thing. None of those things happened, and while I did notice some “old” patterns of behavior come out—especially in JB, no one regressed to “1^st week home” behavior and again, I witnessed the refining fire of another “pressure cooker” experience. Like going to Florida, we were all stuck together and HAD to interact, deal with one another and learn to work through our differences.

Now, post-IL trip has been a bit hairy—for me mostly. For whatever reason, I experienced within myself a resurgence of “unnatural mommy-hood” syndrome. For whatever reason, I felt like I stepped backwards in my bonding an attaching with the new kids. Affection and compassion have been at a premium and that feeling like I am caring for someone else’s kids has been working at resurging. Praise God that He is at work and our “feelings” cannot be trusted!! I am not going to try to suppose why this happened. It is too hard and too full of potholes. Early on I made a promise to not sit and wonder every day when I would feel like JB and RiSa’s mom. I gave that up to the Lord to handle and am STILL giving it to Him to handle. Having said that, I would be lying (again) if I didn’t admit that my mind still wanders over to wanting to figure out “when” the feelings will be there, instead of focusing on the truth of God’s goodness, His deeper love & His plan for our children and our family.

I doubt that it has helped matters any to hit the ground running, either. Meaning, the two weeks following our trip home have been filled with beginning all our new routines (piano lessons, homeschool PE) plus doctor visits, dentist appointments, weekend soccer games, parties, etc. Amazingly, the kids—ALL of them—have handled the chaos incredibly well. Tony and I have continually commented on this fact after each event. And the people we see at all our outings are continually amazed that the new kids have been home for only 2 months. Other than one incident when JB snaked a toy from a 3 year old during a kids’ game this last weekend—which was incredibly awkward, embarrassing and yet ended up being a GREAT learning experience for him—all 5 kids have flowed in and out of our social gatherings, soccer games, out-of-house homeschool routines, etc. with little fuss, whine or the typical aftermath of meltdown.

I’m not sure what to make of all that is going on in my head and in my heart during this season of life. One thing I know for sure is that it is refinement and “the blowing away of the chaff” in my life. Some days I wake up and the colors of world are bold and vivacious. The smiles of my children are brighter, purer, wider and full of love. Other days I wake up and it is all I can do to smile back. One thing I am learning for sure, is that true love—God love—is NOT a human love. It is not something that I can manufacture within my own power. I also am learning that the love I can produce is not enough and it never will be enough and it isn’t MEANT to be enough. The love I can produce—without the help of the Holy Spirit-- will always have a selfish edge to it. It will always whisper, “What about me? Who is going to love me back?” That kind of love will not propel a relationship into true unity. It will not bind a marriage into oneness. It will not raise a child to truly “go in the way that he or she is bent to go”, or provide the springboard for them to soar.

But it is the God love-- the eternal, larger-than-life love-- that only comes from a daily surrender of myself to the One who CAN love in all those ways; who can cause all of the above to happen. And happen with fullness and abundance. I think that is why one of our family’s life verses is John 10:10… “The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy; I come that they might have LIFE and have it to the FULL.” Our lives are not our own. They belong to the Lord Jesus Christ and He means for us to have FULL, ABUNDANT life IN HIM. The “full” life that Jesus speaks of isn’t full of “stuff” or earthly treasures. Rather it is a life—eternal life which is happening here on this earth and goes on for eternity—marked by fullness of relationships and the joy, peace and contentment which rises out of living with our “eyes fixed on Jesus”; walking in the path He has marked for us, doing the good works He has prepared for us to do in advance, and loving others with His “God-Love”—a love that WILL bring heaven down here to earth.

And here is the best part. GOD IS FAITHFUL and I am seeing a depth of His Love that I never even knew existed—right here in my home, in the heart of our adoption. I am overcome with emotion when I am able to sit back and contemplate all that He has done in our children’s lives—all of them—and all that He is continuing to do. And when I look a RiSa and JB and try to think back to those first few weeks home, I barely see a shadow of the scared, tearful, clingy yet resistant children we brought home from Ethiopia. Now every morning is met with hugs and kisses and every night is the same. There is so much “I lub you, Mommy” in my life and I can barely turn around without someone right there to give me a hug. RiSa tells me almost daily how much I am “Konjo”—beautiful. Sunday afternoon she was sitting at the table finishing lunch (which takes her a considerable amount of time to do) and chattering away about how beautiful I am, she is and the guys are. She was grinning ear to ear and you could just see the God-love oozing out of her. I was contemplating this as I was listening to her and thinking of what a change this was from 6 weeks ago when she would sit at the table and give me those evil “cat eyes” that girls do so well. I remember many days the first month especially, calling her out on those evil-eyes and teaching her to “smile with her eyes”.

I was agreeing with her about how beautiful Team Dragovich was and how God made us a beautiful family to be together.She was quiet for a while after that—back to eating, you know. Then she looked up at me and with a huge messy food face grin announced, “Mommy, God made smiling eyes.”

Yes, my sweet gift from God… He did.

Birthday, beach and Vomit????

Okay, I'm getting ready to commit a huge bloggie sin... and I have done it before, but this is really bad. I am getting ready to post about my newest son's first b-day as a member of Team Dragovich-- and I am NOT loading pictures. This is not by choice. I used Tony's camera to take pictures and he can't find the cord I need to upload the pics onto my camera. To make matters worse... I didn't even TAKE a camera yesterday to our day trip to the beach because again, Tony's camera is missing a cord AND his card is full... and my camera's battery is dead and I can't find the charger-- which it doesn't really hold a charge anymore, so I see the end of my camera coming... but still. How shameful.

So... Thursday, August 20th, was JB's 6th birthday. Luckily, Sam's b-day was two weeks before, so he got to see a birthday in real time as we celebrate here at Team D. As the days approached to his big celebration, we would mention to him that he was going to have a birthday soon. He would smile and say, "No. Biruk-e birthday. No". We didn't really know why he kept saying this, other than maybe it wasn't the day yet, so maybe he was confused. Then, when Thursday came, we all got up and did our birthday thing and he kept saying, "No. No, Biruk-e Birthday. Sam's birthday. No, Biruk-e birthday". Every time we would tell him happy birthday, or say, yes, it WAS his birthday, he would say no. He tolerated our birthday fun all day, but denied that it was ever his birthday. Tony and I were somewhat puzzled over this, not really knowing if we were making him upset, if he didn't understand, etc. We thought once we did the cake and presents, he would brighten up and say, "Sure! It can be my birthday!" Instead he seemed so uncomfortable and uncertain of what to make of all the fuss over him. And at one point, I thought he was going to cry. He kept his silly smile plastered on his face the entire time, but when Tony kept telling him it was his his birthday and he kept saying no, I wasn't so sure we weren't headed for trouble. The crazy thing is, I think it was exactly what he needed. The persistent attention, the celebration of him, the constant, "Yes! It IS your birthday!!"... he just doesn't know how to handle the attention, affection and consistent love. Tony and I had a long discussion and just wondering outloud about his entire reaction. We laughed that we had just witnessed a first-- a kid who DIDN'T want a BIRTHDAY!! Now, let me just clarify-- he DID want the presents and was happy to unwrap gifts labeled "JB". But, consistent with a lot of his little quirks, the anti-birthday reaction helped put more of a face on our little boy's tough life before us. Joshua-Biruk wears a lot of masks to hide the hurt that he has experienced already in life. Most of those masks seem to present themselves in ultra-silly behavior, resistance to a lot of attention and focus on him, immediate "wounded" behavior when he is offended by a brother, over obsessiveness over Tony... there are more than just these, but Tony and I see these masks the most.

But... PRAISE GOD!!!... we are seeing less and less of the "beaten down little puppy" and more and more of the truly wonderful boy, God has perfectly created. It seems as though in the past two weeks, we have started to turn a corner-- or maybe it is more of a very wide turn... but either way, ALL of us have begun to settle more and more into our new, expanded family. I know I have talked before about lack of eye contact-- just in the last week, JB has looked at me-- ON HIS OWN-- EVERY time I have asked him to!!!! And he will even maintain eye contact for more than 2 seconds! Even when it is for discipline purposes for which I am speaking to him... he looks directly at me, and responds in an appropriate way. He speaks to the boys before he whines at them. They have many hours a day of appropriate and happy playtime together AND he seems to be really digging both soccer AND homeschool-- both of which started this week. And the boys have become INFINITELY more compassionate, kind and tolerant of him. Every day we pray, multiple times a day, for God to weave our hearts together as a family and He is so very faithful. Of course He is!

Okay, so that was a lot about the "birthday"... I'll try to be more concise on the "beach & Vomit"... as they sorta go together. Earlier this week, Tony got a wild hair to take a day trip to the beach-- we live about 2+ hours away and have made it a day trip before. We're crazy like this. He wanted to see the Hurricane Bill waves. Sure! I RARELY turn down a trip to the ocean! So, yesterday morning we get up and out the door later than we wanted, but still pretty early and headed to the beach. I noticed that RiSa was more crabby and lethargic than normal as we got ready to go. She was more fussy and sassy. I assumed she was mad that we weren't eating breakfast before heading out the door-- the girl likes her food. Well... after about 40 minutes in the car, I found out the real culprit. RiSa was sick!!!! She still is. She threw up consistently on the drive to the beach and once while we were there. JB joined her, of course in the vomiting fun-- you know, he gets car sick pretty easily and we don't get to "our" beach via interstate-- two lane state roads, through little towns, full of starts and stops, slow moving vehicles, turns and uneven pavements. She seemed to liven up at the beach. We all had a blast in the waves and sand, came home sufficiently lobstered and I thought all was well. No. She started throwing up again around 7pm last night and is STILL throwing up. It is 10:30 am on Sunday. I have never had a child throw up for over 24 hours. And once she started vomiting last night, she maintained a steady rate of "sick, Mommy" every ten minutes or so. To say that I feel like my head is in a fog right now is an understatement. And I'm still blogging. Whatever. Pour me more coffee. My husband is calling me his "hero" and has crowned me a saint for "letting" him sleep all night while I stayed up. As if I could have woken him from his coma sleep if I tried. What a goof ball. :)

Okay... last but not least... here are a few more quick notes of our last week:

*We started doing school this week. Tricky with 5 kids in-tow, but after a few adjustments to the schedule and activities to keep little bodies busy at the right time... we had a GREAT WEEK!! Who knows what chaos will come, but at least I am over the "starting school again" hump.

*JB seems to really dig school. Don't get me wrong, he loves to play more, but he comes very willingly to the table when it is his turn for "Mommy time" (one-on-one instruction) and has even taken a couple of the things we discussed this week during story time and applied them to every day (the boys sees every American flag we drive by-- and is sure to point them out to me-- "MOM! FLAG-- America Flag!" Too cute)

*The RiSa cuteness factor continues... this morning AS she was vomiting into her puke bucket, Isaac made the comment, "Mom, I just can't get over how CUTE Selame looks in those new pajamas!" She's even cute when she is vomiting-- at least to SOME of us :)

*I have been able to run more lately. I either run while at the soccer fields during practice-- that is, when Tony comes with us, too; or I put RiSa in the jogger, JB and Sam ride their bikes and I even bring Penny-- the dog-- along. I let Wyatt and Isaac stay home, since I am staying right inside our little neighborhood. I can get about 3 1/2 miles out of the boys, and of course, RiSa is happy to ride as long as I can push her :).

*We found out that both of RiSa's ear drums are perforated this week. We are being referred to ENT where we will determine what needs to be done. Obviously, this happened before we had her-- not sure if the holes will close on their own or not. They must be pretty large to still be open after such a long time. We never received any reports while she was in the Transition Home that she had a bad ear infection-- not sure that we would have-- but still... I'm a little concerned that they won't heal on their own and she will need to have them surgically repaired. None of my children have ever needed to be operated on, yet. When the realization hit me (more like Tony mentioned it-- very casually, I might add-- yesterday on the way to the beach), my heart dropped to my stomach and I almost started crying. Then I knew...

... these ARE my children, given to me by God, Himself for a purpose and a plan.

Grace and Peace,
Shari

One month down... an eternity to go!!!

Well, it appears that I am back to "reflecting" (aka-- purging my inner thoughts and turmoil) less and moving through our new family dynamics more and more. Thus, the two weeks between posts! And, really... I should be running. For real. I skipped meeting my running group on Ft. Bragg this morning due to multiple RiSa interuptions to my sleep. Not to mention a husband who came home LATE-- or should I say, early morning??-- from the neighborhood poker match... he just COULDN'T leave, he says. He was winning. Whatever. All that to say, by the time the alarm went off at o'dark hundred, I was not responding. It has to be pretty bad for me not to leave at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning and steal away some "adult" time as well as get in a good run. Now I'm wondering if I should have just sucked it up and gone... hmmmm...

Enough of that.

So much of this side of adoption reminds me of the first months of bringing home a baby-- no matter what the ages of the children... maybe those who have brought home much older children would disagree. In alot of ways, we DID bring home at least ONE baby-- and some times I think... well... nevermind. :) A fellow adoption friend was encouraging me on the phone yesterday and saying how even it has been a month and that feels like a long time right now, when I look back after a year or more, it will be a fog. I concure... I DON'T really feel like it has been a long time since they have been home. I know that "foggy" feeling all too well... I've done it three times so far, and thankfully I am getting a "two for one" deal on this "foggy season"!! I long for the days when I will wake up and not say, "Oh! Here you still are!!" Not in a bad way or an "I wish you weren't here" way; but in a "Wait a minute. How do I parent ALL of you, again?? Oh that's right. There is no manual. I have no clue. Okay. What's for breakfast??" Am I scaring you yet?

The boys are adoring their little sister. I often hear out of one of their mouths every day, "Mom, I think she is the cutest thing ever!" or "Mom, she is sooooo cute!" or "Mom, she is the cutest girl I've ever seen!!" Lots of cuteness. As for little brother??? Not so much. This has been one of the hardest things for me to watch as a parent. The subtle and not-so-subtle rejection of my children to my children. And to make it all more confusing and frustrating to me is the fact that in a lot of ways, I can understand their actions-- I did not say I CONDONE or ACCEPT or ALLOW their actions... I just said I UNDERSTAND. This, of course, says as much about my lack of "seeing through God's-eyes" as it does theirs. The great thing is that I see progress. More of like two steps forward and one step back progress... but progress, none-the-less. JB is a lot more complicated than RiSa is. He can be very obstinate when he wants to be. He is quick to whine when he doesn't get his way. He won't listen to the boys when they tell him to stop doing whatever annoying thing he is doing all the while laughing uncontrollably because he thinks it is funny. Unfortunately for him, these things all add up to "annoying little brother syndrome". Poor kid!! But, the progress I see is in these little things: when he pouts, it lasts less time than it used to. When he is "offended" by one of his brothers he doesn't do his Ethiopian wail (WAAaaAAaaAAAaaAAAA... WAAAaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaa and so one) as quickly or as long term as before. Note: I call this the "Ethiopian" wail because RiSa's whiny cry sounds the same. Maybe some other adoptive parents can concure this same cry???). He is making better eye-contact than ever before-- although we still have a LONG way to go in this department and I will be very honest in saying that for Tony and I, this eye-contact thing-- especially when he has misbehaved-- is VERY FRUSTRATING. You don't have to tell me how common it is. I know. It is still frustrating. He ADORES Tony. He seems to like me, as long as Tony isn't around. And he always wants me to watch him do some new thing-- esp. in the water. But, he saves all his kisses for Tony and when I tell him how much I love him, he always says, "NO love. Daddy love Biruk-e." Then he smiles and goes off to play, not knowing the inner turmoil between knowing in my head to not take it personally and trying to stop the bleeding in my heart. Like I said-- or at least implied-- bonding and attaching with JB is definately a different road with more twists and turns.

Some other highlights: we made an impromptu trip with Tony to Florida this week. He had a conference to attend in which he was speaking and at the last minute I decided I would rather risk it with 5 kids on a resort than be stuck at home for 4 days with them-- despite the familiar territory. I knew it would be a stretch, but we talked it over and just did it. I'm SOOOO glad we did. Not to say it was the easiest thing to do-- 7 people packed like gypsies in a hotel room (is that politically correct to say?)-- but here are some of the highlights:

** JB is practically swimming. Four pools, the Gulf of Mexico and three brothers you are desparately trying to keep up with, will do that for ya. He was unrelenting and I have to say that the hours we spent working with him to "move the water" resulted in some great bonding and eye-contact practice.

**After driving about 4 plus hours, RiSa started to say indignitely from the middle row, "MOM. House! Mom... Houuuse." "MOM. Draga-bich HOUSE!!" Sweet. My girl can't say her last name without using foul language. I have to confess that this was HILARIOUS!!!!! One for the Memory book.

**Tony and I both think that JB came home from FL more relaxed and connected with all of us than when we went. I consider that trip a "pressure-cooker" of sorts. 5 days of forced close proximity-- esp. between him and the boys. They HAD to interact and although we had a lot of tussles and fussy arguments, somehow God worked in spite of it. It has helped me look at our upcoming school year with a little more anticipation and a little less fear :)

**More than once (as you can imagine) I heard these words, "Are these ALL your children??" "Why, yes!" I would reply proudly. "They are." Some other common comments: "God bless you." "There is an invisible halo over your head and a place in heaven waiting for you." "Wow. I thought four was a lot! And you look so YOUNG!" Yeah... I liked that one. I won't lie. And even as uncomfortable as the rest of the comments were to hear-- It was amazing how at that moment, I was encouraged by them, uplifted and felt like I could finish the day well. Never underestimate the power behind your encouraging words.

**I actually took all five of them OUT to eat by myself THREE times-- two of those times being on the same day. I am crazy. We had to eat. They did GREAT!!!!!

I better wrap this up. Now I am in the middle of figuring out how the heck I am going to homeschool with 5 kids in my house, one of them being a 2 year old-- who is VERY vocal. I'll keep you posted on that adventure. I am also looking at my garden-- or what is left of it. I am so sad to confess that my garden was a complete mishap this year. It is full of weeds and regularly being eaten by the deer. All of my flower beds and pots look the same. Unloved. And running??? Well... it is random and not focused. Imagine that. I'm not Super-Woman after all!! :)

Grace and Peace,
Shari

Just the nuts and bolts

I really enjoy posting-- especially now that the kids are home and I feel like I have a lot to share (ie... get off my chest) about life post-adoption. But, here is the thing... I like to have what I say be "pithy" and enjoyable to read-- otherwise, you all may stop coming by to read about crazy Team Dragovich and leave being encouraged that at least your family isn't "THAT nuts!!" But... it is hard to have time to be all quaint and cute. And every day, multiple times a day, I encounter "subjects" to a post... so that by the end of the day, I can't even sort them all out in my head or know which direction to take you! And besides that, I have to spend some time unraveling the ridiculous emotional side from the REALITY of what God is doing in our lives, so that I CAN write in a way that won't cause you to pause and maybe think you need to call a counselor for us :D!! I'm really sorta just kidding on that one-- but "sorta" is a key word there.

So... I will just give you some of the events and my thoughts/emotions that have been playing out in our family this second week into life as 7:

*RiSa likes Shirley Temple. We have had "Captain January" from Netflix FOREVER, and finally just sat down the other night to watch it-- per request of Wyatt. He LOVES movie nights and amazingly, all the boys like Shirley Temple-- weird, but good. But, because we live in a little bit of chaos right now, we ended up starting the movie before everyone was done with dinner-- ie-- RiSa and JB and me (because I never get to start eating until most everyone else is over half done with their food). As soon as Little Miss Temple came onto the screen and started singing, RiSa stopped eating-- food in mid-bite, which is saying something for this girl-- and stared at the adorable little doll-faced girl with the bobbing curls on the TV. Her eyes lit up and she got the biggest smile from ear to ear. After that, she slowly finished her dinner, with one eye on the TV the entire time, and then happily went to the couch and sat the rest of the movie-- MIRACLE!!!! Afterwards, she was singing in jibberish the music she heard on the movie. The girl likes Shirley Temple.

*Both kids are completely head over heels for Tony. This isn't to say they don't give me lots of affection-- especially RiSa-- but, the whole Daddy back to work thing sorta confused them at first, and yesterday, when I told them Daddy was on his way home, they got more excited than the dog does when she sees Tony pull in. They ran, screaming for the door, "DADDYDADDYDADDY... DADDY!!!!!!" Oh my. When they saw him pull in, they couldn't get the door open fast enough-- actually the door is somewhat hard for them to open still-- good. They jumped into his arms, showering him with hugs and kisses, repeating, "Daddy, Yeni... Daddy, Yeni (mine)!"... then they proceed to tease one another about whose Daddy he is-- then they say to one another, RiSa: "Mommy, Biruk-e's... Daddy, Yeni!" (meaning, Mommy is Biruk's, but Daddy is MINE!). They both do it. Nice. They laugh and have a great time with it, and still give me kisses and hugs... but Daddy is the apple of their eyes. All my kids have done this to me. What is that?

*JB and the boys are like oil and water right now. Especially with my second boy, who feeds his contempt to the next youngest brother, who is more than happy to oblige and parrot him. I was telling a fellow adoption friend on the phone yesterday that so much of the problem I think is communication. Not that there isn't the competition factor-- but really, when JB torks them the wrong way, it is because he is playing in a way that they don't understand, or wanting something that they have, and he doesn't understand he can't just take, or touching their hands and face which is so culturally accepted in Ethiopia and NOT here, or teases little sister to get a rise out of her-- which he rarely does anymore... they become personally offended and can't see the difference in culture or the lack of understanding he has over the offensiveness of his actions. Wyatt is doing the best with it, because he works more at parenting them than just being a brother-- which frustrates me, but I can get over it. Isaac, especially will become disenchanted with something JB does and then just pick on him in subtle-- or not so subtle ways. Yesterday, JB must have "cut" Isaac off while riding bikes and Isaac proceeded to bumb his tire against JB's until JB fell off his bike. Tony and I watched the entire thing transpire and it was hard to watch. It is so hard to watch your child be so mean-spirited to another. I kept waiting for Tony to intervene and asking him, "Aren't you going to do something?" But, it is true that a lot of times they need to just work it out and right now, the more we point out when Isaac is being mean, the more he retaliates and grows in self-righteousness. So... JB fell and didn't really hurt himself, but of course, his feelings were terribly hurt. I went out to comfort him and he wouldn't really let me. He is small enough that I can pick him up and "force it", but he never cuddled up to me and did the whole, "stiff as a board" thing. I kept kissing him, trying to soothe him with words and eventually let him down to see if he would ride again. He did get on, still bawling... until some people on a golf cart turned down our cul-de-sac. Then he shut off the waterworks like a faucet. Hmmmm....

*Yesterday, I HAD to go out to run a few-- yes, I said A FEW-- errands. Hospital on post, eye doctor for follow-up and vitamin shoppe. I am happy to report that all my fears of RiSa darting or seeking attention from doting strangers were disappointed. At the hospital, we stopped by to see if Daddy could chat (he couldn't), and in the meantime, one of the other docs started showering the kids with attention and trinkets that he keeps in his office. "Oh boy," I thought. "Here it comes. " Instead, when handed a stuffed dog, RiSa shyed away and buried her head into my shoulder. Of course, later she lunged for the car that the boys had. But, still! She was perfectly content to hang onto mommy or be in her stroller and JB was happy to hold the hand of a brother the entire time we were out and about. We managed all our errands with very little fuss-- besides the nit-picking attitude of older brothers... which I have already delved into at length-- sorry :)

*Finally, we have had a possible medical situation arise for our little RiSa. It showed up in her bloodwork and we are praying that it will pass without causing her long-term problems. God is faithful and good and I know He is our All-sufficient in every trial we are being faced with right now as a family and as individuals. I covet your prayers for RiSa's health and complete healing-- IF what the bloodwork showed is truly the case.

Every day brings new joys and new challenges. I find myself bouncing throughout the day between contentment and being overwhelmed. I constantly fight off the fears that try to invade my brain-- fear of brothers never meshing or accepting the presence of a new brother, fear of JB never letting me comfort him, fear of MY own heart never really getting to that point of "feeling" like they are MY kids and not someone else's kids whom I have been left responsible for. Every day I see evidence to the contrary of my fears. And I have never practiced the ACT of love harder and the constant denial of living in my fears and emotions more than now. Praise God for that!!! I KNOW that our family is becoming more Christ-like through this process. Not because of what WE are doing that is so great, but because of what Christ, in His mercy, is doing through us. He is not content to leave us in our own selfish state, but rather, He is faithfully continuing the "good work" He has begun in us-- not to be completed until the day we see Him face to face :)

Grace and Peace,
Shari

Thursday's Post... a little late

I wrote this post on Thursday in a Word Document, meaning to post it when the internet came up. Unfortunately, the internet never really "came up" too well after Tuesday, and so I have been saving this post until I could get home to get it up. You may wonder why I am still posting it-- since it is now Saturday and we are home-- the range of emotions and the intensity of traveling to adopt in Ethiopia is like nothing I have ever experienced. My desire is to share the realness of OUR experience, not some rose colored portrait. Even as I read the last couple posts I have done... I don't think I have REALLY shared the intensity of what has been happening inside my head and heart this past week. But, I am just going to do my best, by posting what I wrote while I was there, and continuing to share over the next days and weeks-- as honestly as I can. So... here is Thursday's post:


This is the first chance I have had to post since we brought the kiddos back with us. They are doing really well. Biruk is very easy going, does whatever we ask him to, and even if he doesn’t want to at first—he will concede and do whatever it is we need him to do. The good thing about this, is that he will say no and doesn’t just do whatever without wanting any say in the matter. I have caught him more than once just staring at me and when I look at him, he grins big and just keeps looking. Especially when we are all in bed—yes… we have the family bed thing going. Selame won’t have anything to do with the little crib in our room—I can’t blame her, it is too small for her.

Speaking of Selame, she has “calmed” down as far as not going to every other person here for attention. She is off the hook active and loves to test her limits in every way. She is definitely used to being the star of her own show and looks for attention wherever she can get it. Although, even in the past two days, she has looked more and more to Tony and I for her attention and easily calls us Mommy and Daddy—well, she names us in pictures and when Tony shows up, she lights up and yells, “Daddy!” It is hard to unravel what of her behaviors are from being 2 1/2, what is from not really ever having a mom and dad, and what is general orphan behavior. She is very quick witted, learns VERY fast and runs very fast, too. I question her age somewhat, but she can throw a tantrum like a VERY good two year old. But, then again, my boys all were worse behaved at three than two. In the end, it doesn’t really matter. It is what it is, and we have to work through all of it anyway.

This leads me to part of the other truth as to why I haven’t posted. Everything here is so raw—I mean all my feelings, emotions, physical energy and thoughts are so edgy and hard to reason through. I would be lying if I said that this big event is all rosy and wonderful. The truth of the matter is—we are in survival mode. I miss my boys more than life itself and I just cry and cry at the drop of the hat. I don’t “feel” all the loving emotions I wish I felt and I know this is normal and even to be expected—but it doesn’t change the hardness of it. We are seeing so much progress from Monday, but I don’t feel like I’ve progressed from feeling like I’m caring for someone else’s children to caring for my own children. All I want to do is get on the plane home and get Biruk and Selame in the mix with the boys and start loving them all together. I am SOOOOO thankful for dear friends who have adopted before me and shared their own very hard experiences—otherwise, I think I would me much more scared.

I hope this doesn’t sound so horrible to read. I want to be honest and real—not because it is comfortable for me… because it is not. I think one thing I fight the hardest is fighting my own disappointment in myself for not feeling all the loving feelings I want to feel. I am such a perfectionist and sometimes I have a hard time seeing outside of my immediate circumstances to the way I KNOW God will bring us full circle. So, rather, I am posting this for those families who may read this and be able to now exhale, or not feel so lonely if they experience the same things.

I can’t really post much more. I will say that several of the other families are feeling the same way—maybe about different things, or maybe they are having and easier time “feeling” love than what I am right now, but most all of us are ready to get home, we miss our babies at home desperately and we struggle to make sense of the whole process of adoption. One thing that we did last night that really ministered to my soul, was we came together in the evening and had a time of worship, scripture reading and prayer. At first I didn’t want to do this—I knew I would cry the whole way through and I felt like I couldn’t have anything positive to share. But, what God spoke straight to my heart through other people’s readings was sweet running water to my soul, and I think we will make it ☺

Grace and Peace,
Shari