Thursday, October 16, 2008

Not for the Faint of Heart

I cannot even begin to tell you what we have been doing the past week or two. Really. It's all a blur. All I know is Time is cruelly racing ahead and somewhere deep inside me I keep screaming, "STOP!!!!!" Tony's work schedule has been so erratic. He is home on weird days and then he is gone for what seems like days at a time; then all the sudden he is home again. But unavailable to go with us to practices or games because he is on-call and must stay within 30 minutes of the hospital. Now he is gone again for the weekend and all the while there is this deep down urge within me to just drop it all and run away. Fast. That sounds so very mature and logical, doesn't it :)?

Two days ago, I learned that another family's baby died of pnemonia in Ethiopia. This is a family whom I was particularly cheering for, since they were holding out so long for a referral for two children under the age of two. With our agency's policy of only adopting sibling groups to families requesting multiples, this referral seemed extremely sweet to me and I was simply thrilled for them. Then, the baby girl got sick and she never recovered. My sorrow over this loss for them is just so raw. And it seems that there is no where to go with this bag of emotion and thoughts. I believe that our agency is doing the best they can to get families moved through court in a timely fashion and limit the amount of time between referral and uniting children with families. The adoption process in Ethiopia is still relatively new (compared to other nations) and more importantly, the number of people adopting from this beautiful country has more than tripled in the past several years. The courts can't keep up. They lack staff and equippment and technology and all the other things that go along with a smooth operating procedure. What am I going to do, shake my fist at them and say, "Shame on you! Pull it together!" No. That will not do. Sadly, the one thing I know to do, I have been finding hard to find the words for... Pray. I know this is my strongest weapon to wield and yet, I seem to just face every time of prayer with this sort of numb, "struck dumb" feeling. I'm counting on that passage of Scripture that says the Holy Spirit will intercede for me when all that comes out are groans not understood by human ears.

There is a conference call this afternoon with our agency. It happens once a month and it is a chance for all of the "waiting families" (those of us done with paper work and waiting for a referral) to ask questions to program director that they may be pondering. I was going to make time to listen in today. Back when I thought maybe we were further up on the list. But, after a little research (which wasn't hard) I saw how far down we really are and now I am over my wondering if we will get a referral in the next couple of months. Besides, the questions I want to ask, she can't answer... "Will this all happen while my husband is gone?", "Is there going to be two children for us?", "Can you please do something about getting our babies home faster before they get too sick and it is too late?"

My apologies if what I just shared was too much. This journey we are on seems to be quite dangerous just at the moment. At least that is how it feels. A dear friend of mine emailed me several months ago and in sharing some of her struggles she said, "Oh, Shari, this thing we call mothering is not for the faint of heart". How poignant. It is a good thing that I was blissfully ignorant back when I began on this path of being a military wife, mother, passionate follower of Christ, etc. I would have certainly known how "faint of heart" I can become, then turned and ran the other way! :)

Grace and Peace,

1 comment:

Apryl said...

You have been dealing with some serious stuff!

I want to give you something wonderful, but I can only say that I've had the same feelings. For a week before Sally's surgery I would just sit and be still and not say anything to God during my morning prayers. I just couldn't. I kept thinking how weird it was that I had this HUGE thing facing me and I. Couldn't. Pray. Don't look too far into the future and get bogged down with worries--there's enough to take care of today (that's the apryl translation). Praying for you as you endure the wait (and hoping you don't run away--be reassured that I've had the same feelings once or thirteen times during my short stint as 'mom').
much love,