Saturday, February 23, 2008

My utter lack of Control

This week has been tough. I think it is just a culmination of many weeks that have been tough, and this is the week that I finally broke. At least I hope I broke, because I don't really care to have to break further, if this was just a chip!! Of course, we "knew" that adopting would be a LOT of work and there would be a lot of moving parts, but I don't think I was counting on the emotional battle being so strong, nor does knowing really even matter :) . And it isn't just adopting. It's not like I can put the breaks on everything else in my life, so that I can just adopt. I wish that were the case-- or maybe I don't-- but life still happens. Meetings still happen, homeschooling still happens, Tony's crazy work schedule (or should I say project demands) still happen and somewhere in there, I still would like to have running happen-- which it isn't, and that is worse than it NOT happening! And to top it off, there has been this trip to NV to visit Tony's family (which normally I am very excited about) looming for next week (we actually leave today) and I just wasn't ready to go anywhere! There are too many things I need to take care of here, too many adoption papers floating across the U.S. which need to come back to me, too many appointments I want to not miss or have pushed back, etc...

Yesterday morning, in the quiet time of my life (very short :)), I was reading in Acts towards the end of the book-- all about Paul's missionary journeys. I have read through Acts before, so unfortunately, I wasn't all the way tuned in. But, there was this whisper-- "See how I am in control? You can trust in Me... just as I led Paul, I can lead you, too". All the sudden, a series of snapshots from the past month began playing in my mind of all the ways I was trying to control my life and everyone else's life as well. My children, my husband, the state departments (that ought to make you laugh!), people I serve with, and the list goes on... Outwardly, I'm not so sure it showed-- except with my husband, don't ask!! :)-- but inwardly, there has definately been a defiance; or constant pondering over all these things... like a quiet ( or not so quiet) whining with myself (sometimes with other people) about how painful all these things are in life. As long I continue to "mull" over all these areas, I am trying to manipulate and control. I am only seeing life through my tainted lens-- not letting go and letting God give me a new lens in which to view everything.

Ahhhh!!! This is so hard! I wish I could say that once there was this realization, I was able to exhale and just "let go"!! In some ways I have. I'm not anxious about getting on a plane today and leaving North Carolina behind for a week. I'm not really fretting over adoption papers anymore-- it helped that IL FINALLY sent back our birth certs, and marriage license :)--and I was able to express my heart with the Leadership Team members I serve with in a way that I think God was leading. One day at a time, one choice of release at a time...

On another note, I am so PSYCHED that I had a comment already on our blog :)!! Anyone who is reading this, will know that we have created a website nightmare-- which we refuse to give up on, by the way :)... I almost hesitate to really announce to my YG that we have a blog on blogspot! They are probably thinking, "oh, my goodness!! That girl just cannot get it together!" Ha, ha! This is true, but that's okay...

Finally, can I just say that every day I am more and more thankful for the other families adopting from Ethiopia and their candidness and hearts for one another. I noticed that this seems to have been a hard week for a lot of people-- a lot of people a lot farther along than we are, which makes me feel somewhat like a weenie for struggling just in the paper chase! There isn't a day that goes by which I don't think of each of them, wonder how each one is doing for the day-- or moment-- and send up prayers of peace, joy, patience and never-ending hope to be poured into their lives.

Grace and Peace,

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I give in

Soooo.... I tried with all I have to make the .mac thing work. I mean, I had it all laid out. Easy cheesy, right??? NO. It was slow. No one wants to visit slow. Then, we changed it all to go directly to GoDaddy. Easy cheesy, right??? NO. The blogs don't always upload when I tell them to, and no one can leave comments. And, Yes, I am crazy enough to believe that people WILL want to comment... so, now I have a website AND a blogspot. Now I am officially cool like all the other bloggers in the world and life is good. As long as I can keep up with my blog... and it is cool enough for people to comment. :)

Happy blogging everyone, and until next blog.... Team D is out.

Trial Blog

Mommy and da boyz at the turkey trot in Fredrick MD a long long time ago now she is a minute slow, ha ha td