Saturday, February 23, 2008

My utter lack of Control



This week has been tough. I think it is just a culmination of many weeks that have been tough, and this is the week that I finally broke. At least I hope I broke, because I don't really care to have to break further, if this was just a chip!! Of course, we "knew" that adopting would be a LOT of work and there would be a lot of moving parts, but I don't think I was counting on the emotional battle being so strong, nor does knowing really even matter :) . And it isn't just adopting. It's not like I can put the breaks on everything else in my life, so that I can just adopt. I wish that were the case-- or maybe I don't-- but life still happens. Meetings still happen, homeschooling still happens, Tony's crazy work schedule (or should I say project demands) still happen and somewhere in there, I still would like to have running happen-- which it isn't, and that is worse than it NOT happening! And to top it off, there has been this trip to NV to visit Tony's family (which normally I am very excited about) looming for next week (we actually leave today) and I just wasn't ready to go anywhere! There are too many things I need to take care of here, too many adoption papers floating across the U.S. which need to come back to me, too many appointments I want to not miss or have pushed back, etc...

Yesterday morning, in the quiet time of my life (very short :)), I was reading in Acts towards the end of the book-- all about Paul's missionary journeys. I have read through Acts before, so unfortunately, I wasn't all the way tuned in. But, there was this whisper-- "See how I am in control? You can trust in Me... just as I led Paul, I can lead you, too". All the sudden, a series of snapshots from the past month began playing in my mind of all the ways I was trying to control my life and everyone else's life as well. My children, my husband, the state departments (that ought to make you laugh!), people I serve with, and the list goes on... Outwardly, I'm not so sure it showed-- except with my husband, don't ask!! :)-- but inwardly, there has definately been a defiance; or constant pondering over all these things... like a quiet ( or not so quiet) whining with myself (sometimes with other people) about how painful all these things are in life. As long I continue to "mull" over all these areas, I am trying to manipulate and control. I am only seeing life through my tainted lens-- not letting go and letting God give me a new lens in which to view everything.


Ahhhh!!! This is so hard! I wish I could say that once there was this realization, I was able to exhale and just "let go"!! In some ways I have. I'm not anxious about getting on a plane today and leaving North Carolina behind for a week. I'm not really fretting over adoption papers anymore-- it helped that IL FINALLY sent back our birth certs, and marriage license :)--and I was able to express my heart with the Leadership Team members I serve with in a way that I think God was leading. One day at a time, one choice of release at a time...


On another note, I am so PSYCHED that I had a comment already on our blog :)!! Anyone who is reading this, will know that we have created a website nightmare-- which we refuse to give up on, by the way :)... I almost hesitate to really announce to my YG that we have a blog on blogspot! They are probably thinking, "oh, my goodness!! That girl just cannot get it together!" Ha, ha! This is true, but that's okay...

Finally, can I just say that every day I am more and more thankful for the other families adopting from Ethiopia and their candidness and hearts for one another. I noticed that this seems to have been a hard week for a lot of people-- a lot of people a lot farther along than we are, which makes me feel somewhat like a weenie for struggling just in the paper chase! There isn't a day that goes by which I don't think of each of them, wonder how each one is doing for the day-- or moment-- and send up prayers of peace, joy, patience and never-ending hope to be poured into their lives.

Grace and Peace,
Shari

1 comment:

Jill Coen said...

You are no weenie, my friend, you're an Army wife...we tend to like control. :) There are hard times in each section of this journey, but don't lose heart. I can't wait to get to NC so we can hug!